i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
a search helicopter?!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
