Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
