And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
