my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
