Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
