I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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