I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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