My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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