If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
