oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
