if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
