After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
