please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
