Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
