I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
