just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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