well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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