What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
