Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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