wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
