so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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