it was like a zeppelin in a condom
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
