I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back