My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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