Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
