I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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