i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
