her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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