I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need to calm my uterus...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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