I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
