Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
