Don't make out with my wife yet
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
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Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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