Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
