When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
