If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
What drink are we having for lunch?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
