Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
