I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize