Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
