Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
