I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
