Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.