Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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