Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
