umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
