she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
