Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
