she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
