I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
