to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
