I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
