There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
