She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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