I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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