anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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