There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He better not be in your backpack
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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