I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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