im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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