I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
