DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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